so im bored... so bored infact to go through old photos and deviants. yup im bored.
its been a while, a long while. so whats on my mind..
house partys are lame. highschool dosent seem to have much direction or possibilitys. i hate how i hate a person one day and love them the next. how annoyance can turn into a grudge. i never mean it in that way. so people fustrate me, rarely do i actaully "hate" them. i just wish i could change them. but you cant.
tonight has felt like another day in the life of natalie era 2002. a bad year. fucking 7th grade. ew.
i need a hobbie, something that can occupy me so i have no addiction to drugs.
haha become a scientologist. what a cult that is. my brother simon was once in that. what a wast of money.
weed dosent seem to interest me anymore. like there used to be that magical mystery behind it. but now i have seen how it just causes greed, green greed. more magical than life. more money than gold.
why do we set up addictions. i mean they are what hold us back. addictiosn to drugs, to people. dubble standerds. you hate it you hate it, then you are near it and you love it.
*weed
*tv
*zach(haha, its true though)
i dunno like the list does go on, i jsut dont feel like spelling it out for people.
middle school haunts me like a horrible dream. i dislike it so much.


man i wish i could remember her face.
on that mountain, she was there, like a ghost.
she gave my summer more meaning.

fuck.

new thought:

so i am really hating jessie right now. she was my only one for most of summer, we hung out all the time i never had a connection quite so stongly, i miss that the most i suppose. even if she would stop ignoring me i dont think i could ever have that back. why does she go into holes, i hate that about her. she just closes people out like they arnt real. i had to get new shoe laces to stop trying to hold on to her. tracey brought that up the second i showed her the new one. "what about the ones jessie stole for you, she love you you know"
but i dont know. for al i know she dreams of killing me. but why? i love her too, she loves me. its bittersweet. i dont know whats wrong, some thing is. its mostly her old baggage. past creepy boyfriends. some of them wanted her dead. im affraid. what is she capible of? she has torn so many hearts out. i think i want to keep mine.
but she captures you, you cant call it over. she has to. she is another addiction. one i cant get over.